Voices of Women Who Mourn

Summer 2000

As the abortion debate rages on in the media, on Capitol Hill, and in state legislatures across the country, millions of women silently mourn their children lost through abortion. Through this new column, Feminists for Life gives women who experienced the personal tragedy of abortion a voice. We mourn with you and rededicate ourselves to help women and children in need.

ON APRIL 17, 1999, I KILLED MY BABY. I felt pressured into having the abortion. I went to the clinic with a friend, and if he hadn’t been there, I would have run in front of a car. I could not stop crying and shaking. I never ever felt such pain in my life. The emotional pain was so overwhelming that I could not feel the physical pain from the procedure. I cried and shook for hours until my friend took me to the hospital emergency room. The doctor gave me sedatives. I still could not stop crying. I was so traumatized that I did not even notice the amount of blood I was losing. After two days, I mentioned to my friend that I was still bleeding a lot. He took me back to the emergency room. After some tests, the doctor came in and told me they had to do a D&C.

I broke down in hysterics. If there was a chance that my baby was still alive, I was not going to let anyone near me. They must have injected something into my IV because I felt that groggy feeling again. Later that evening, a female gynecologist came to see me and said that she wanted to try a drug that would induce cramping so that the bleeding would stop. She said I would not need a D&C but there was no way my baby was still in my womb. The baby’s father came to see me and he was crying. I still wonder why. I spent two days in that hospital for the bleeding. I ended up in the psychiatric ward of another hospital for two weeks. The baby’s father only came because the head of the psychiatric department called him. I broke all ties with him.

I’m still in agony. Every day is just a struggle. I cried every single day for eight months. I’ve been crying for the past two hours. I went into an Internet site that shows pictures of aborted fetuses. My baby was six weeks old…. He had a heart and eyes and a spine. Sometimes I’ll be going about my day and I’ll have a flashback. I did not go to sleep during the abortion. I remember everything in vivid detail.

I have no one to blame but myself. No one understands. I’m told most women go on with their lives. Maybe I’m crazy. I made the biggest mistake in my life, and I can’t take it back. Every day, I ache to hold my baby. I listened to the baby’s father… He said it was a simple procedure… He also said he would be there for me. I am 30 years old. I should have had my baby. I listened to all the reasons why I shouldn’t have. And the world looks so different. I walk around in a daze… I don’t expect you to read this. It’s more for myself, I guess. But I have no one who understands what I am going through.

Reprinted with permission from Rachel’s Vineyard