Voices of Women Who Mourn

Fall 2002

I HAD AN ABORTION ALMOST ONE YEAR AGO when I was 18 1/2 weeks along. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I could already feel my child moving in me. When I went to have it done it was a two-day procedure. The first day, I almost walked out because I wasn’t sure that I could do it. Well, when I went home that day I prayed and asked for the strength to finish what I had started. I almost didn’t go the next day either, except that I knew that it was too late.

When I went in, and everything started, regardless of the pain medication they gave me, I was in soooo much pain that the nurses literally had to hold me down. I felt my child move in me while this was going on. All I could think was, What do they see on the sonogram monitor when this is going on? What was the baby feeling? Was it in as much pain as I was in? My God, this was my child, not a thing but a baby, and I was destroying it!!!! After I left and went home, all I could do was cry. I don’t think I really dealt with the effects though. I just put it away and went on with my life.

Well, six months later I found myself pregnant again and the father and I were not ready again. We decided to have an abortion again, even though I knew that I wasn’t mentally able to do it. Well, I was only five weeks at that time, and though that one really doesn’t hit me as much, it did break me mentally. This tore the father and I apart for a while. He had his own problems dealing with it, and I resented him for not being there to help me. My best friend was there with me, but even she couldn’t help me. It got so bad that I actually felt like ending my life. There were days where I didn’t even want to get out of bed or go on.

Well, now four months later, I am pregnant again, and there is no way I am getting rid of this baby. We will make it some how but I can’t go through that again. I just have such a feeling of guilt for what I did to that baby. I feel so empty and I am afraid of what I will do once I hit that stage with this baby I’m carrying. I can’t even look at pictures of developing fetuses after the three-month point because all I do is cry and actually get sick to my stomach. I hope that my little bit of a story will at least help someone else to know that they are not alone in the way that they may be feeling.

Signed, Angel

Reprinted with permission from Rachel’s Vineyard 

 

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