Voices of Women Who Mourn

Fall 2001

EMOTIONAL, VERBAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE were part of my childhood. When I got older I dated men who abused me in one way or another. I became pregnant in my early thirties. I had attempted to get an abortion, but when I sat on the table with my gown on, and looked down at the garbage can, I cried. Knowing I’d be on welfare, food stamps, and in poverty, I went through with the pregnancy. I was glad.

A few years later, and one, last, bad relationship, I was pregnant again. He did not say he wanted me or the baby, or to support us or help us. I went against my instincts and had the abortion. I was left with no choice and my boyfriend was no help.

After that day, I was suicidal and cried for eleven months consistently. The woman who advised me to “go ahead, do it — it will empower you,” was not there for me. My spirit was broken.

No one told me that after you have an abortion you hear babies screaming in your sleep, or that the counseling services offered after your abortion are not really there for you, even though they say they are. You can’t talk to your friends. You can’t get close to anyone including your living child. You are angry for no reason and snap at the least bit of stress. No one told me that I would lose [my] desire for sex and intimacy or that abortion caused hormonal imbalances that hit me way too young. No one warned me that I would suffer panic attacks and fear my own death and death of my living children. No one told me that this quick fix would cause a host of other emotional problems that I would be dealing with my whole life.

After the experience of abortion, I can honestly tell you that it was easier to be a single mother, on welfare and food stamps, whose baby never slept, and [with] no family support, than it was to abort my baby and deal with the other problems for the rest of my life that nobody told me about. To this day, I am still working on healing this part of me.

Signed: Wish somebody had told me

Reprinted with permission from Rachel’s Vineyard 

 

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